My Face. Not a Salt Lick. Thank You.  

Posted by -Slamel-

And you're not a horse, or deer, or whatever... Ok I don't know exactly what a salt lick is, or what licks it. But my face isn't one, and your not a whatcha-thingy either.

I suppose I should declare this has nothing to do with current events. In my hobby of people watching I once again witnessed a kiss. Lucky me right? WRONG! This kiss...it was a kiss to end all romance and make celebates of us all. Well at least for like fifteen minutes because, really, who are we kidding. As I watched this tremendous, fatal-train-wreck of a kiss I remembered some of my own experiences with kissing partners.

There was a girl once who I attempted to make out with, that was the inspiration for the title of this blog. She spent more time licking my face than kissing me. I left her apartment feeling clean like a cat, and incredibly unsatisfied. Keep that tongue of yours in your mouth for at least some of the time. This leads me to another experience that is related. A little nibble on the ear or kiss on the neck is nice from time to time, but there is absolutely no reason to turn my ear into a reservoir. I don't care if the waters are like glass in the morning. I'm not gonna let you wakeboard there. Keep your tongue out of my ear canal.

In contrast, it is ok to separate your lips once a while. There is no need to turn your lips into the gates of fort knox. Does fort knox have gates? There was a girl who kept them pursed so hard, I had to open my eyes to make sure she hadn't pulled some sort of bait and switch. Sure enough she was still there, pressing her head into mine as if she was some karate master breaking a giant block of ice. She was asian though...hm...

If breathmints themselves run in fear of your breath, something is wrong. Practice personal hygiene before you practice locking lips. Everyone will enjoy it more.

Kissing isn't silent. That's cool, no worries. Sometimes its good to give your roommates a little bit of warning before they walk in on you and your lady friend. But if you have to make a loud annoying smackey sound after every single kiss...you're not going to be kissing for long. Everyone hates that, so just stop it. Stop it. Its not good for anyone.

I'm probably in the minority, but gum doesn't bother me. Bring it along, I don't mind. What I DO mind, is when you shoot it into the back of my throat. My uvula doesn't need the company.

Don't try to swallow my face. You're not a xenomorph facehugger, don't try and become one. Look if you're hungry I'm an excellent cook and can make you some food. Mi cabesa should not be your next meal.

Now girls, I am going to make a promise to you right now. If we are kissing, and your entire mouth envelopes mine, or you make that annoying smoochie sound after every single kiss, or if you just sit there with your mouth wide open and consider yourself making out. I'm going to flick you in the eye. Or at least something equally as terrible. I swear it.

The last piece of advice I'll give is not to kiss and tell. C'mon girls, I understand I'm quite the trophy that you would like to put on your shelf, but its just disrespectful to go around telling everyone we hooked up. Besides, I may want to make out with your roommate and my chances of that go down if she knows you and I have done so. Really, its just common courtesy.

I understand everyone can't be a pro at it, like me, but hey you can practice. Everyone starts somewhere.
Until next time. Muah!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 at Wednesday, August 05, 2009 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

8 comments

Anonymous  

You shouldn't be annoyed with girls who enjoy telling other girls that they have been conquered by the Nick. That, in fact, increases your chances to move up the hot girl hierarchy. This however does not apply to the cute (and shy) girls but they are more girlfriend material anyway.

August 5, 2009 at 4:59 AM
Anonymous  

Oh like you never kiss and tell?
I've learned to keep being "conquered by the Nick" to myself, it brings disappointment to people's eyes.
I was really scared this would have something about me but then i remembered i am pro, & got reminded so as i read.
You forgot about the biter, have you never had a biter? I mean a little playful bite is cute, but i had a dude try to keep my lip as a souvenir. he ripped at it so much I HAD to go home and ice it. I'm thinking, couldn't he taste the blood, but then again maybe he's a vampire. anyway i kept dating him for awhile i just "kept falling asleep on him" so i could avoid another said experience

August 5, 2009 at 9:20 AM

Nick, I believe this would make a great pamphlet that you hand out when getting a girl's phone number. That way they can be prepared. You might even need a few illustrations.

August 5, 2009 at 10:18 AM

This was a most informative post. I'll be filing it in my random fact file: When kissing Nick edition.

August 5, 2009 at 12:20 PM

"You're not a xenomorph facehugger..." OH MY GOSH! Nick you kill me! I literally laughed my ass off!

August 5, 2009 at 5:07 PM
Anonymous  

Boys and girls are different. in many ways, but you can probably and will probably kiss any female.
These girls that you are kissing probably like you, and that's why they are kissing you. so of course they are going to tell their friends/roommates. they aren't thinking you are just turning around and running to kiss the next girl. oh and ever heard of guy code there is girl code too, so i'm sure a few have claimed you within groups

August 5, 2009 at 10:42 PM

You mean you don't like it when a kissing partner changes her facebook status and has shirts made to read, "I kissed Nick Dianatkhah!” What’s wrong with you?

August 6, 2009 at 8:22 AM

this is quite the list. I hope some lucky ladies measure up to your demands.

August 7, 2009 at 11:14 PM

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