Poison Control  

Posted by -Slamel-

    I think my employers are trying to kill me. I don't know what I have done to offend them so that they have risen up, banded together, and are seeking swift, or rather...semi-swift, well....really more like slow, painful retribution. Here is something I don't get. The kitchen staff where I work are all Mexican, so why can't they cook Mexican food? I know they haven't been Americanized since they can't speak English yet. I understand that cooking for upwards of 220 people can be daunting, but hell...they are Mexicans. Aren't they accustomed to preparing food in bulk for their family get togethers? The fajitas they cooked two nights ago resembled leprosy more than the delicious treat fajitas should be. Being adventurous, I tried it anyway. Turns out I don't like leprosy.

    The meal last night was a baked potato. Yes that's it. What a feast! I think I should have prepared for this kind of bounty. You don't believe me? Ok fine, I exaggerated slightly. There was snot cheese, runny chili sauce, a half-spoon of sour cream, and 3 chunks of broccoli. For desert, neatly laid on top, was a Rice Crispy Treat. So these culinary geniuses decide to throw it all together in a styrofoam container, while the broccoli and baked potato were still hot mind you. One doesn't have to be a physicist to know what is going to happen there. Let's just say my Rice Crispy treat had a flavor reminiscent of old broccoli and dead people and leave it at that. Nevermind how I know what dead people taste like. Obviously, after that first bite of Crispy treat, I didn't partake of the rest of the meal. My appetite was soured. *Chuck!* Into the garbage it flew.

    I know what you're thinking. No really I do. Starving kids in Cambodia or Ethiopia. Yeah, yeah, I'm selfish and wasteful, or so says 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends in the exit poll.

    Well do you know what? Even if I mailed this "meal" to one of those fly-in-mouth kids, he would say "What the heck is this??" and pass. Ok, so maybe he wouldn't say heck, since that's what Mormons do. And if he was mormon he wouldn't need to ask what it was because he would already be an expert on poorly made Mexican food. And he wouldn't be starving because he would be an expert on eating. Maybe he wouldn't even be able to speak Engligh. It would probably sound more like "Nyah-ha-ninny-noo *Click* *Click* *Pop* Nihn-go sequa-sooli-seh *Click*". Regardless, we all would know what he meant when he flung the mockery of a meal right at our unprotected facial structure.

    Now you're thinking that you have never met anyone who can be so racist, such a culinary snob, and completely unfeeling to the naked kids in Ethiopia, all at the same time. I am rather impressive.

    It just seems to me that if you are going to be employed and paid to cook food, when it is supposedly ready for consumption it should at least appear to something edible as opposed to a contagion of pandemic proportions.

    While I'm on the subject of cooking. Why is it that every single person who has ever cooked, eaten, or even looked at lasagna thinks theirs is the best? How dumb is that? There could be lasagna out there laced with heroin. Bet yours can't beat that! Go ahead and try it, but caution...blindness may occur. Before you lose consciousness and fall asleep on your bathroom floor, that lasagna will change your life. Perhaps Heroinagna is really not the best, but neither is yours. I'm sorry to crush your dreams. Actually, no I'm not. It makes me feel better. Which I need, especially after eating your lasagna.

    Anyway, I think that the kitchen staff should either recieve training in how to make food, not poison, or acquiesce to a suitable punishment for their crimes against food and nature...and me. Everyone knows that my favorite consequence for bad behavior is a good flick in the eye ball, but I just don't see that as being effective or even warranted in this situation. This crisis calls for more drastic methods, I believe. I really just don't appreciate being poisoned slowly by a bunch of vengeful kitchen Mexicans. I think my employers should foot the bill for skin pigmentation altering therapy, and have all of them go MJ on us. At least that way their inability to cook ethnic foods could be rationalized.

    So off I go, in search of a solution to the dilemma. In the mean time, I make the best lasagna ever, you should come over and try it.

My Face. Not a Salt Lick. Thank You.  

Posted by -Slamel-

And you're not a horse, or deer, or whatever... Ok I don't know exactly what a salt lick is, or what licks it. But my face isn't one, and your not a whatcha-thingy either.

I suppose I should declare this has nothing to do with current events. In my hobby of people watching I once again witnessed a kiss. Lucky me right? WRONG! This kiss...it was a kiss to end all romance and make celebates of us all. Well at least for like fifteen minutes because, really, who are we kidding. As I watched this tremendous, fatal-train-wreck of a kiss I remembered some of my own experiences with kissing partners.

There was a girl once who I attempted to make out with, that was the inspiration for the title of this blog. She spent more time licking my face than kissing me. I left her apartment feeling clean like a cat, and incredibly unsatisfied. Keep that tongue of yours in your mouth for at least some of the time. This leads me to another experience that is related. A little nibble on the ear or kiss on the neck is nice from time to time, but there is absolutely no reason to turn my ear into a reservoir. I don't care if the waters are like glass in the morning. I'm not gonna let you wakeboard there. Keep your tongue out of my ear canal.

In contrast, it is ok to separate your lips once a while. There is no need to turn your lips into the gates of fort knox. Does fort knox have gates? There was a girl who kept them pursed so hard, I had to open my eyes to make sure she hadn't pulled some sort of bait and switch. Sure enough she was still there, pressing her head into mine as if she was some karate master breaking a giant block of ice. She was asian though...hm...

If breathmints themselves run in fear of your breath, something is wrong. Practice personal hygiene before you practice locking lips. Everyone will enjoy it more.

Kissing isn't silent. That's cool, no worries. Sometimes its good to give your roommates a little bit of warning before they walk in on you and your lady friend. But if you have to make a loud annoying smackey sound after every single kiss...you're not going to be kissing for long. Everyone hates that, so just stop it. Stop it. Its not good for anyone.

I'm probably in the minority, but gum doesn't bother me. Bring it along, I don't mind. What I DO mind, is when you shoot it into the back of my throat. My uvula doesn't need the company.

Don't try to swallow my face. You're not a xenomorph facehugger, don't try and become one. Look if you're hungry I'm an excellent cook and can make you some food. Mi cabesa should not be your next meal.

Now girls, I am going to make a promise to you right now. If we are kissing, and your entire mouth envelopes mine, or you make that annoying smoochie sound after every single kiss, or if you just sit there with your mouth wide open and consider yourself making out. I'm going to flick you in the eye. Or at least something equally as terrible. I swear it.

The last piece of advice I'll give is not to kiss and tell. C'mon girls, I understand I'm quite the trophy that you would like to put on your shelf, but its just disrespectful to go around telling everyone we hooked up. Besides, I may want to make out with your roommate and my chances of that go down if she knows you and I have done so. Really, its just common courtesy.

I understand everyone can't be a pro at it, like me, but hey you can practice. Everyone starts somewhere.
Until next time. Muah!