The Beard and Nudie Pictures  

Posted by -Slamel-

This is a tale of a beard.

It has been the opportunity of a lifetime for many of you to experience my beard's majesty. Whether by seeing it, fearing it, kissing through it, or hanging things from it, it has changed the lives of many. All for the better. Don't argue with me about that, or, I will know, for a surety, that you suffered head trauma either as a child, recently, or both.

I had grown a little slovenly and haven't trimmed or shaved my beard in a couple weeks. It was already awe-inspiring to many. I kept having people tell me I should audition to be in the new LDS movie about the New Testament. Of course I was unemployed so naturally I thought I was off to a pretty good start for becoming an actor, and decided to let my beard flourish. And flourish it did. It flourished so much that my eating habits had to change. Sandwiches were off the menu. I would end up with my mustache than turkey. Soup was off the menu, and in my beard. I started carrying a straw with me. Which actually made sense in the grand scheme of things. Pro-tip: When you have a nose as big as mine, sometimes you just can't drink from a glass. Shampooing my mustache and beard twice a day became part of my routine. When I left my house I would grab my wallet, my watch, my keys, and my mustache comb. But it was all for the greater good, I was going to become..... A marginally unknown Arab-looking guy, so I soldiered on.

However, as I said before I was unemployed. And I was unemployed for about 4 months. Which essentially boiled down to me not only looking homeless but fast approaching that status. Luckily the beard was warm. I was growing my own sleeping bag! It was getting to be crunch time (not the beard, it was soft, because as I previously mentioned I would groom it. I'm not a slob.), and I needed a job. I applied to what seemed like hundreds of employment opportunities, and was called for almost as many interviews. Now we come to Act 2 of our tale.

When I would go in for a job interview, always felt like they went well during the actual interview process, but they all started the same way. I would be sitting in the lobby, waiting room, solitary confinement, or whatever, and someone would walk into the room, "Hello. Nick?" I would stand up, straighten my suit, assume a cocky, yet adorable posture, and say, "That's me." The other person would always start at my feet enjoying my fantastic taste in shoes, and move upwards and absorb the grandeur of my suit, then my fantastic casual, yet practiced tie knot, all the while growing more and more impressed. Their eyes sparkled with the promise of a job.

Then their gaze landed upon my beard. What happened next, was nearly universal. A race and gender crossing human nature. Like smiling, or laughing. It was like there is a natural reaction hard coded into our bodies to react a certain way when presented with a dashing, well dressed man...with a homeless person beard. The expression that unified all these different people was like a mix of that feeling you get when you feel something tickle your neck and you aren't sure if it is a bug or a loved one. Or the feeling of tasting new cuisine and not being sure if what you just ate was actually nasty or just looked like it. It all happened in a split second. A slight, quivering frown. Nostrils expanding and contracting, carotid artery pulsing, a quick glance for the nearest exit or phone, not sure if I was going to open my vest and have lined with C4, or invite them to come outside to see my camel with my many many wares and rugs...not sure whether to shake my hand or call the FBI

Needless to say I never got any of the jobs. No one wants to hire someone that looks like they got voted off of Al-Qaeda Island. So I finally gave up on the actor's dream and the beard went the way of all things. Off my face. The very next job I interviewed for, I got. After about 4 months of working there I get an email from the movie people, telling me they are considering me for a role. The only caveat, is that I will be mostly naked for a whole day.

Or rather, I should say the biggest incentive is, I get to be mostly naked for a whole day! There was another catch. In the email I was asked to take pictures of myself in very little clothing, so they could look at my body. Well hey, there is nothing new, so I was on board. Basically I was asked by the church movie studios to send in nudie pictures. So of course I got my roommate, who was only more than happy, to take the pictures and sent them in (as an aside I am now looking for a new roommate. Text me!). I was also offered a significant chunk of money for the role, and was asked if that was satisfactory.

Satisfactory!? Of course, I would have done it for a Twinkie and some Kool Aid.

And this was the story of how growing a beard will get you into a movie almost naked. Take note folks. It's the road to success.