And you're not a horse, or deer, or whatever... Ok I don't know exactly what a salt lick is, or what licks it. But my face isn't one, and your not a whatcha-thingy either.

I suppose I should declare this has nothing to do with current events. In my hobby of people watching I once again witnessed a kiss. Lucky me right? WRONG! This kiss...it was a kiss to end all romance and make celebates of us all. Well at least for like fifteen minutes because, really, who are we kidding. As I watched this tremendous, fatal-train-wreck of a kiss I remembered some of my own experiences with kissing partners.

There was a girl once who I attempted to make out with, that was the inspiration for the title of this blog. She spent more time licking my face than kissing me. I left her apartment feeling clean like a cat, and incredibly unsatisfied. Keep that tongue of yours in your mouth for at least some of the time. This leads me to another experience that is related. A little nibble on the ear or kiss on the neck is nice from time to time, but there is absolutely no reason to turn my ear into a reservoir. I don't care if the waters are like glass in the morning. I'm not gonna let you wakeboard there. Keep your tongue out of my ear canal.

In contrast, it is ok to separate your lips once a while. There is no need to turn your lips into the gates of fort knox. Does fort knox have gates? There was a girl who kept them pursed so hard, I had to open my eyes to make sure she hadn't pulled some sort of bait and switch. Sure enough she was still there, pressing her head into mine as if she was some karate master breaking a giant block of ice. She was asian though...hm...

If breathmints themselves run in fear of your breath, something is wrong. Practice personal hygiene before you practice locking lips. Everyone will enjoy it more.

Kissing isn't silent. That's cool, no worries. Sometimes its good to give your roommates a little bit of warning before they walk in on you and your lady friend. But if you have to make a loud annoying smackey sound after every single kiss...you're not going to be kissing for long. Everyone hates that, so just stop it. Stop it. Its not good for anyone.

I'm probably in the minority, but gum doesn't bother me. Bring it along, I don't mind. What I DO mind, is when you shoot it into the back of my throat. My uvula doesn't need the company.

Don't try to swallow my face. You're not a xenomorph facehugger, don't try and become one. Look if you're hungry I'm an excellent cook and can make you some food. Mi cabesa should not be your next meal.

Now girls, I am going to make a promise to you right now. If we are kissing, and your entire mouth envelopes mine, or you make that annoying smoochie sound after every single kiss, or if you just sit there with your mouth wide open and consider yourself making out. I'm going to flick you in the eye. Or at least something equally as terrible. I swear it.

The last piece of advice I'll give is not to kiss and tell. C'mon girls, I understand I'm quite the trophy that you would like to put on your shelf, but its just disrespectful to go around telling everyone we hooked up. Besides, I may want to make out with your roommate and my chances of that go down if she knows you and I have done so. Really, its just common courtesy.

I understand everyone can't be a pro at it, like me, but hey you can practice. Everyone starts somewhere.
Until next time. Muah!